ATTENTION! Policy announcement all employees
It has recently come to the attention of management that a few employees have been dying at their desk and failing to give notice.
Failure to give notice of any impact to your schedule will lead to further disciplinary action up to and including:
- Loss of employee gym privileges. Other employees are complaining about the unusually long amount of time being spent on such equipment as the treadmill by dead co-workers. Treadmills should be the exclusive domain of those chasing after useless management directions.
- Dedicated parking slots. Any employee of the month found dead anywhere on the premises will no longer be able to pay for the use of the employee of the month parking spot, located next to the dumpster. Further, if your car remains in the parking lot for more than 24 hours without being moved, management will levy a parking fee of $10/day, which will come directly out of the paycheck of the offending employee.
- Team building and off-site meetings. As painful as this is to management, any dead employee may have limited attendance to future off-site team building activities. Decisions for this action are at the discretion of your immediate supervisor but are consider acceptable management practice for this company. We do not like to reward poor behavior as it sends the wrong message to other employees that are still alive.
- Paycheck. You might think you can get by with not turning in your work or making a statement of poor management practice by this behavior but it will impact your pay. At management discretion and calculated by HR, the amount of pay equivalent by the number of days estimated that you have expired while still on the job will be subtracted from your paycheck. This calculation, however, will be limited to one pay period only. Your normal pay will resume in the following pay period. For specific questions or concerns, please email your HR representative, who will ignore it for fear of ongoing beatings by executives.
- Breaks and Time off. While we have never approved breaks and time off for anyone ill, in the hospital, injured or stricken with an infectious disease, dead employees will give consideration for breaks. A written request must be submitted 2 weeks in advance, from the anonymous employee email account located in the basement torture chamber. Any request will be automatically denied in the event that employee fails to return to their desk.
- Office supplies, desk plants and family pictures. Any office supplies or personal tokens publicly displayed in the office of an offending employee will become the sole property of your immediate supervisor. All supervisors will be allowed to auction off any confiscated items during the monthly “Lucky Employee Fair”. Proceeds from the auction are donated to the Management, tax-free. Any items purchased by employees are non-refundable.
We regret to have to take these extreme measures due to violation by a few undisciplined, ungrateful, entitled employees but we believe these actions will allow our company to maintain its “Best Practices”.
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By Dorothy Tannahill-Moran
Have a good day and get back to work before you are beaten again.
APRILS FOOLS DAY!
From Dorothy Tannahill-Moran, www.introvertwhisperer.com