Hire Me!

fake resume - Introvert Whisperer

 

Ferd Nerfberfer

123 Confusion Avenue

New York, NY 00021

 

Professional Summary:

A major suck up to executives and unable to ferret out even the slightest suggestion of strategic vision as a high level manager.   Continual upward growth at the expense of direct reports, which are generally beaten or abused multiple times per week to motivate and improve productivity.  Generally, a disgusting human by all accounts but, like a cockroach, survives by avoiding real work or results.  Singularly responsible for the loss of millions through fraud, law suits and neglect.

 

Employment History

 

  • Acme Manufacturing Co.

Nov. 2015-March 2016, Currently unemployed, pending lawsuit complaint of missing office equipment, carpet and light fixtures

Human Resources VP – Responsibilities:  Maintenance of corporate culture, HR policy by maximizing existing and future talent globally.  Detail oriented, people-person bent on perfection from others.  Creative incentive program creation, mostly consisting of waterboarding adaptation to office environment.  Responsible for multi-tiered organization of 2,000 people, although some are part time or having out of body experiences (which don’t receive compensation).

 

  • Ozone Depletion Management Company

Feb. 2014-March 2014

Corporate Safety Assurance Director – Responsibilities:  Assure executives that they won’t get caught damaging the earth’s air supply.  Daily affirmations in-person, via email, text and skywriting.  Generally, make these guys feel like they can do no wrong so it doesn’t spoil their concentration while playing golf.  Coined a new safety slogan and printed 497,000 bumper stickers for global distribution:  “It’s ONLY air!”

 

  • OK Airlines (company filed bankruptcy in 1983)

Dec. 1908- current

In-flight Management – Responsibilities: Hiring, firing and flogging of all employees’ scheduled to work onboard specific flights.  Randomly picked flights to board based on where I wanted to go.  At my discretion, trained and changed rules without notice and held employees responsible for psychically picking up the vibe.  Employees out of compliance to the new rules received punishment up to but not limited to eating the airline food and squeezing into a seat made for a toddler.  Received annual promotions because I refused to quit.

 

Edumaction and Certifiications

Paducah High School – finished first semester

 

References

I have none as most of the people I have worked with are missing.  Law enforcement has been notified and I know nothing about it.  I can tell you that if you hire me, I’ll stick around.  I always do.

 

 

April Fools Day! From Dorothy Tannahill-Moran, at www.introvertwhisperer.com

“Smile, it could be worse!”

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About Dorothy

Dorothy Tannahill-Moran is the Introvert Whisperer, Career & Leadership, speaker and author.

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